John was a fussy baby. We had trouble nursing, and it seemed I just couldn’t get the timing of the feedings quite right. On top of that, I had a hard time dealing with my dad’s cancer, which doctors officially confirmed the day we brought John home from the hospital (he was two days old). I’ll never forget that day. It just wasn’t right. It was the highest high and lowest low in a very short amount of time and just too much to process.
While I do not believe I suffered from postpartum depression, I most definitely had a case of the baby blues for some time. Going back to work was the light at the end of a dark newborn tunnel. It was the fresh air I needed and return to what I remembered to be my normal life. Going back to work also meant that I could justify getting some consistent help, a part-time babysitter to ease the transition for the kids and me. She was a Godsend, by the way, and I’m not sure what we would have done without her.
When I went to back to work, there was one major problem: I couldn’t hear. I spent a big chunk of my work day talking to my boss, colleagues, and clients over the phone. I had to crank the phone volume to its highest level, and still, I was mostly fumbling around trying to make sense of conversations. It was embarrassing and nerve wracking. I finally saw a doctor, an ENT, right around my 35th birthday and John’s 1st birthday – enough was enough. She ordered a hearing test, and as I suspected, I needed a hearing aid in my right ear. Lefty wasn’t too far behind, but better than righty, and did not require an hearing aid. The ENT subsequently ordered an MRI to see if she could determine the cause the hearing loss and perhaps the source of this strange whooshing sound I heard every time I bent over or tilted my head in a down motion. When the results came in, the MRI showed a “malformation of the blood vessels on my brain,” and it was unclear whether there was any impact on my hearing. Hmmm. What was that all about? I was not quite sure what to make of her email.
Shortly after receiving the email from the ENT, I received a follow-up email from my primary care physician with two direct instructions: 1) stay off the internet, and 2) schedule an appointment with the Head of Neurosurgery at a top hospital in Boston. He would be expecting my phone call. What the what???
